would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
