I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
