If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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