Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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