I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You smell like stripper and shame
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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