Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
