I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
