Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
