The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
