shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Randomize
