im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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