Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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