you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
