Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
if i died would you start the facebook group?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
