i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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