oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
