One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
