I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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