my shit smells like andre
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
