I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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