Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
