it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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