You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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