ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
