my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
