I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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