I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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