..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
