they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
there is glitter all over my balls
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