My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
