please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I FOUND THE LEGS
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize