I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
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