We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
