Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
