I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
