I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
