I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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