this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
