Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
