If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
