Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
