was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
