i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Randomize
