I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize