My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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