I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
