i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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