I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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