so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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