R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
zippers are such a cool invention
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
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