the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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