ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
