I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize