Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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