I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
