I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
