no, he came in my armpit
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
