"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
