you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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