I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
