I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
