New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
