my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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