I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
