If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
