I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
