Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
